What Happens When You Do Not Label DVDs

I will tell you what happens. This all went down about two hours ago. Before I start, I am nominating myself for the classiest guy of the year award.

I am currently on vacation, visiting my parents in Canada. So after dinner, my mom, dad and my cousin Zac sat down in the living room to watch the Flames game on TV. In between the second and third period, I wanted to show off to Zac how badass my dad's sound system in the living room was. Of course, my dad had no qualms about this. So here is where my bootlegged copy of Ghostrider is about to come in handy. DVD quality and all. I run up to my room, pull this unlabled TDK DVD-R out of my back pack, bring it back downstairs, and throw it into the DVD player as we all anxiously await the insane THX 7.1 sound that is about to be unleased in the living room.

The only problem is that it was a copy of some nasty lesbian porno movie that I downloaded from the internet (and obviously burned onto a similar looking DVD.) Done and done. I just won the award.

The SFChicken Law Firm?

I noticed this sign for this place on the highway while I was in Portland the other day:



I figure if anyone on SFChicken got into legal trouble, they would want a savage lawyer to take their case.

Chicken Police

Will you be eating your groceries in the store today?

I haven't had a chicken-worthy experience in a while, but I have to throw this one out there.



I go play pick-up hockey on some Fridays and I park in a Whole Foods that's next to the rink. To get my parking validated, I have to buy something in Whole Foods, which I wouldn't normally do. Typically, I pick up a couple of salads and a quart or two of juice.

Until very recently, the cashiers at Whole Foods had dutifully rung me up and bagged my groceries. But the last couple of time I've been there, the cashier has asked me: "Will you be eating this here today?"

I never quite understand, and I feel like I'm 'The Champ': "So I says 'pardon?'"

And they basically ask me again if I will be eating my purchases in the store. Now I know I'm not a small man, and I know that I can eat an Extra-Large pizza and drink a gallon of juice without getting full, but what are the odds that I'm going to sit down eat all of my groceries in the store? If I had a half of a take-out sandwich, their question might make sense. But I've got groceries.

So what are they doing? Are they trying to reduce the number of bags they give out by one? Because they're losing that war on the thousands of other people they double-bag a box of cookies for. With all of their plastic packaging and massive parking lots, Whole Foods is the last place that's really doing anything good for the environment. Maybe the cashiers (all female) think a guy really is going to eat all of his groceries in one sitting. I don't know. But I really wish they'd just throw my groceries in a bag and shut the hell up like they do with every other customer.

When did Guns 'n Roses become classic rock?

I was at a punk show last week. (The Epitaph tour, if anyone cares.) The band in discussion is called Escape the Fate. For starters, I should point out that this was an 'all ages' show. I used to go to all ages shows when I was 15. I am now almost 30. It really never occurred to me before I got there that the average age in the place might be 15. What made it bearable was good music and a decent bar with no one in line. Anywho, at one point during the evening I decided to ask these two girls standing next to me how old they were. They both told me they were 18 (probably being liberal on their lie.) One made the addition that she felt old in there. Obviously I pointed out that I was 29 and my friend was 32 and thus he could have been her dad (I do have a friend that has a 14 year old who is also 29 - this is a whole other story.)

As you all may or may not know, every respectable punk band has to have a cover song that is all punked out. These used to be songs like "Surfin' USA" (Pennywise), "Brown Eyed Girl" (Lagwagon), "Go Your Own Way" (NOFX), etc. Well Escape the Fate makes the following announcement: this song is for your mommys and daddys. They proceed to play "Take Me Down to the Paradise City" by G'nR. When did Guns 'n Roses become classic rock? I don't know. I should also point out that the oldest member in Escape the Fate was 21 tops.

Moderately Hot Chicks turning to Nerdy, Rich Engineers in desperation

I found this article in my local newspaper:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/02/14/MNGEVO4DQH1.DTL&hw=guynn&sn=002&sc=832

It was supposed to be about how Silicon Valley executives (who are 95% male) often find themselves 40, single and in need of a makeover and someone to hook them up with some available ladies from San Francisco. This is not surprising since: "[there isn't] a single drinking establishment between Palo Alto and San Jose that serves up a better ratio of men to women than Anchorage, Alaska." Many of us know this to be true, and would add that the women in these establishments are either 1) secretaries; or 2) over-40 with kids.

Only problem - the article ends up only talking about one dude (a 44-year-old guy who has gone out with "several dozen" women through a dating service) and a whole bunch of women. Specifically, the woman who runs the dating service gave up on trying to meet rich guys in San Francisco and "cast a wider net" to meet rich guys elsewhere. And here's the guy she met:



Here's another photo of the girl:



Now she's not super hot, but still either he's got a huge donger or a lot of money. And she has clearly gotten desperate - remember, this is how the dude looks eight months after she met him and set out to completely change him so that she isn't embarrassed in front of her friends. He may even have a sweating problem, we don't know.

But what we do know is that there are some girls out there who actually realized that they're not going to get anywhere going after some dirtbag (like our mayor). Now that is surprising!

Ridskolan

I don't know what Ridskolan means, but if you are reading this, you know the movie. And I have said enough. There is a new movie I have found circulating in the file sharing world that beats Ridskolan hands down. Notice the fat nasty Swedish lady balancing out the good looking girls. This is obviously a staple of Scandinavian cinema which I don't yet understand. The movie is called "I Jomfruens Tegn." Don't know what that means either. But here's the thing. It's filmed in 1974. This is worth the high bandwidth download.

Emergency

For those of you who haven't seen this, this is literally an emergency:

Jack Berg Electronics

This is an unbelievable store I came across on the internet the other day. Jack Berg Electronics specializes in selling new, in the box, never opened, electronic equipment from the 70s and 80s. Picture on the left: a never used Four Star brand 8 track stereo receiver. Speakers included. I want to find a reason to order something from this website. I want to buy an unopened Hitachi ghettoblaster for $199.00 from this guy but I can't justify it. Mike, do you have any ideas? They actually have a Panasonic 8 track player than condenses into a suitcase for portability. Check out this store. It's out of control.

bedbugs, mother fvck!

I went to New York back in December with my girlfriend. We stayed at a friend's place - I didn't want to sleep in his bed and kick him out of his room, so I bought him an air mattress and brought it on the plane with me.

After the first night, my girlfriend said she was itchy, but I thought nothing of it. We came back, and she was still itchy. She threw out her skin lotions. Didn't help. Then she thought it was nerves over a job interview. Got the job, still itchy. Then I started getting itchy.

But we went away on vacation for a week and everything subsided. Then we came back and we were itchy again. We washed all the blankets, sheets, everything, and things seemed to get better for a while. Then everything came back.

Turns out - we brought bedbugs back from New York! There is a complete epidemic of bedbugs there, affecting not homeless shelters but co-ops and condos in the city's best neighborhoods:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/04/opinion/nyregionopinions/04CIfriedman.html">

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/realestate/15cov.html?ex=1170997200&en=4578af7fbbe7efa6&ei=5070">

Now I know New York has bugs - cockroaches everywhere - but bedbugs? Apparently as recently as 2000, there were no complaints of bedbugs there. But supposedly the DDT we sprayed on them for 30 years has finally worn off and they are making a comeback.

And they are absolutely miserable. They feed on exhaled carbon dioxide, so no matter how much you clean your house, unless you stop breathing, they'll stay there. And you can't get rid of them yourself - you need an exterminator, and he needs to spray your house two or three times. And hopefully that does it. I really am hoping.



I had to wash every garment and bag I own last night in super hot water and dry it all on the hottest settings. It cost $80 in quarters, I kid you not. I had to toss all kinds of things, from shoes to my vacuum to books to my curtains to paper to clothes that I wasn't too attached to, and that still might not do it. I had to buy bedbug-proof mattress bags, which set me back a further $200.

So far, I appear to be the only one affected. My friend has no bites. My roommate has no bites. So they're fairly unconcerned. My girlfriend gets bites when she stays at my house, but her house is bug-free. The only thing we can think of is that my room is really warm (it's a new building with good insulation) and humid (my bathroom is attached to it), while hers is freezing and dry. I really, really hope the whole thing is contained.

Advice? Basically, dump your luggage straight into the washing machine when you get back from a trip to New York. Vacuum your suitcase and your shoes, and throw the vacuum bag out immediately in a double plastic bag. And that still might not do it. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

The Reykjavic Kentucky Fried Chicken

KFC has changed a lot since the early 80s. This was a time when KFC was actually known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. My dad actually convinced me that my grandmother personally knew Colonel Sanders so that I would eat the chicken at her house. How much times have changed, where KFC is the most ghetto restaurant in the country (with the possible exception of Popeye's.)

Not in Iceland. You have never seen anything like the scene at the Reykjavic KFC like I saw this past summer. I'm not kidding you when I tell you that there were 200 people in this place. I went in there to go to the bathroom and I was so amazed that I actually had to try something from there. The girls I was travelling with would obviously have nothing to do with KFC no matter what the country was. They had the number system there (like at a deli.) So obviously I took my number and then waited around like a space cadet not realizing that it would be called in Icelandic. There was probably a 20 minute wait anyways, but I waited about 45 minutes. Until this friendly (normal looking) Icelandic gentleman noticed that my number was like 20 behind his. He pulled some strings with the KFC lady (who was hot) to get me back in the cue.

While I was waiting for my chicken meal which was literally equivalent to $13.00 I began speaking to this friendly gentleman. I asked him why there were so many people at KFC. It was a zoo in this place. He had no concept of what a KFC was like in the USA and why I would be surprised at how popular it was there. I couldn't even explain it to him. He just told me that the kids like it for the (McDonaldland type) playground that they had there and they would come there every now and then for the kids. But he personally didn't think it was that bad.

Well you those gastrointestinal issues that you get after you eat KFC here in the US? Its the exact same there. Just as disgusting but about $8 more and a playground.

Flea Market - Just Like a Mini-Mall

This commercial literally is the best ever created:

Don't miss the Blue Screen Acapella:

And Don't be afraid to watch what this guy did with the blue screen:

And then the obvious Reggaetown Remix:

Brother Can You Spare a Dime?

In January 2007 (after advanced warning), it became mandatory to carry a passport to travel between Canada and the USA. This means that for thousands of short-sighted Canadians, January was time to renew your old, expired passport. There are two options for passport renewal, stand in line in a government building or mail it in.Normally, either method results in a 2 week wait. When half the country is all renewing at once, its about 3 months. So everyone who has travel plans in the next couple of months to the US, and has no passport, is screwed. Not only that, but the normally hour-long or so lineup at the government building (i.e. the wait in order to begin waiting several months) is now days. At one point in Calgary, there were 1200 people in line, and they process 300 per day.

Meanwhile...elsewhere in Calgary, I get asked for change every few feet, or my car window squeegeed without solicitation. This booming economy is bringing with it many homeless - and its pretty cold out these days. How is this relevant?

I have a proposal for the city's homeless. Go stand in line for a passport application, and then sell your spot. My time is not as valuable as many peoples', but that does not mean that I like lineups. I avoid them at all costs. There is a reason I go for lunch at 11:00. For a lineup of that magnitude, I would pay good money for a spot in line. I would pay 5 bucks for a long bank line, who knows what the market would command for a day long passport line?

Lineups are everywhere, and many people despise them. If I were homeless, I would go stand in line all over the city. Banks. Government buildings. Ticketmaster. Social Security in the States. My little sign would indicate that my spot was for sale. Let the negotiations begin.

Plus in this cold you get to wait inside, not to mention bring a value-add service to society.

James Bond Day

While this may not apply to those of you who work in an establishment that requires formal dress every day, I couldn't help but mentioning the practice that unbeknownst to me until yesterday, happens at my work. This is only practiced by one individual in my office, but I propose this to others and I plan on doing this myself. If your work is like most others every day, standard dress is khakis and a collared shirt or whatever, and that's cool. Then you have Fridays where you can throw on a pair of jeans if you want because its casual Friday. Well yesterday one of the physicians I work with shows up in the most pimp suit, cufflinks, etc (not common in a hospital.) So I say, hey "I thought it was casual Friday today." He responds "No dude, its James Bond day today." Every Friday is Casual Friday except for the first Friday of every month is James Bond day instead. I like it. Its pretty pimp. Especially if you work in a place where its totally random and borderlines on inappropriate. Let's bring it on.

Blackberry? Obsolete in Chicago nightclubs.

If you are going to move to a new city (ie. Raleigh, NC to Chicago, IL) you might as well do it properly. No f'ng around. Just move in and hit it hard. Well, my newcomer friend Marc demonstrated last night that he has been doing just that. After a party at the Museun of Contemporary Art ended last night, during the brief discussion of where we should go next, Marc pulls out this raggedy folded up sheet of paper from his pocket with every possible destination in Chicago, hand written, addresses, addendums, checkmarks all included. Sh1t is crossed out if it sucks, checkmarked if he's been there, in different colors (the reason of which I don't know.) This is a guy who has a Blackberry. Fully functioning member of modern society. For some reason I find it funny that a) anyone would actually make such a list and keep it updated, and b) that he wouldn't just program the numbers into his Blackberry and instead carries this nasty folded up sheet of paper in his pocket. Either way, he obviously prizes this creation of his because the closest he would let me get to this thing was the picture taken above. Its actually kind of legible, so if you are ever going to be in Chicago, check it out. In his defense, all of the places from his list that he has dragged me to have been pretty good.

The Original SFChicken

When you google search for "sfchicken" you find our site, obviously (thank god), but you also find some links referring to Gavin Newsom, San Francisco's Guy Smiley looking Mayor. Well, looks like last year he took a break from trying to figure out to do with SF's 2 million homeless people for a couple of minutes to one up Clinton by bumping uglies with his campaign managers reasonably attractive wife. You heard me right, he had intercourse with his poor campaign manager's wife. Clinton at least chose some nasty single girl, but Newsom, that is just wrong dude. Here is the former campaign manager who resigned yesterday over the scandal:

Contrast that with Newsom:

Look at him! Newsom, take a look at yourself with Sharon Stone and your hot ex-wife, and your ability to attract women. Now lets take a look at the guy's wife that Newsom tagged:
Here is the deal, this woman is clearly in a "looks" class above her husband. So basically, their marriage is ruined and the odds of this guy landing a woman of her aesthetic caliber are close to nill. Therefore, double shame on Newsom. We have to root for the guys who don't have the looks but land the ladies of a higher "number". Newsom, you are a bad man and we don't want you associated with the chicken any longer. Good riddance.

Good Luck Man

Here is the deal, the NHL really doesn't get much attention in the US. I think they rank 7th behind bowling and darts for spectator sports. I would argue that hockey should be ranked first, or at least in the top three because of how fast the action is, how hard the hits are, and how exciting the game is. If those reasons don't do it for you, then how about this; In no other sport do the athletes take a break to try to kick the living s**t out of each other on occasion. I am not talking about a little man-shove like they do in basketball, or pushing each other after a play is dead in football. I am talking about dropping the gloves and putting the dukes up and fighting thirties style. I want to thank Hawerchuk for pointing out the following video to me, where Phoenix tough guy George Laraque takes on an LA Kings fighter Ivanans, where Laraque happened to be miked up for the game:



Notice what a gentleman he is. Compare that to some weak NBA man-pushing. If that fight didn't convert you, this one should:



And if you have A.D.D., try watching this one:

Chicken San Francisco

If you cook as much as I do, I am sure you will be interested in the "Official" recipe for "Chicken San Francisco." This is courtesy of someone named Beverly R. who posted the recipe as "the recipe of the week" on some g*y website. Reading about this chicken dish reminds me of an episode several years ago during a family dinner where one of the guests asked my mother what the name of the chicken dish was called (which he was enjoying so much.) My mother, who is not known for her culinary skills proudly said "I call this is pineapple chicken" to which my uncle responded "we like to call this it tastes like sh1t chicken."

In any event, as far as the recipe for San Francisco Chicken goes, I will get right to the skinny of it all. The recipe to me looks pretty standard. Almost to the point of not mentioning. Basically you take some nasty chicken, stir it up with some spices (not sure which exact ones make it SF style), and then you cook it in a skillet. Then comes the part that caught my eye. The Dutch Oven. Call me naive, but I always thought the Dutch Oven was when (while in bed with your girlfriend, wife, etc.) you unleash the hugest fart, cover her with the comforter, and waft it around for her to enjoy the heated aroma. Apparently, according to Beverly R. however, the dutch oven is in fact some sort of oven in which you can cook chicken. I don't even want to Wikipedia the real 'dutch oven' because I get too much enjoyment out of imagining any sort of analogy it may have to the afformentioned procedure. It is probably just some lame oven you can buy at Costco and I would just be disappointed.

The Great Canadian Gay Migration?

I was reading the newspaper this morning, and I came across a reprint of this gem, entitled: One Son's Choice: Love or Country? A lot of it isn't news: because gay people can't legally marry in the U.S., they can't file joint taxes, get health care through each other's jobs (generally) and can't inherit estates without paying taxes. But San Francisco, where I live, isn't exactly a terrible place to live if you're gay: (I was nice enough to spare you the photo in our largest newspaper that showed a guy gagged and tied to a lightpost for fun.)



But the woman who wrote this Newsweek piece, well, her son isn't down with San Francisco. He's moving to Canada. And apparently, he's not alone:
"Sadly, I suspect that Cameron is not the only one thinking of leaving. Type "gay migration" and "Canada" into any search engine and you will find hundreds of articles and blogs by current and potential Canadian immigrants."

So, at the risk of having the internet monitors at my company fire my ass, I typed "gay migration" and "Canada" into google. Here is what I got:

1. Great Gay Migration of 1812 (gay Quebecois cowboys? who knew?)
2. The Newsweek article above
3. Canada Bracing For Onslaught Of Gay Americans (joke site)
4. Canada May Be Haven for GLBT Couples (Nov. 2005)
6. ‘Get thee to a big city: sexual imaginary and the great gay migration’
8. Gay migration to rural Tasmania may have reached its high tide mark

Go through the next few pages of results, and in 95% of the articles, "gay migration" and "canada" don't appear together, and most of the articles are about people moving to San Francisco. Basically, there's no big rush to pack up the Castro and move it to Vancouver. It's a big deal to move to another country, and there aren't a lot of people rushing to do it because of perceived tax advantages and de jure as opposed to de facto acceptance, any more than Democrats are becoming Canadians because they hate the president. And besides, Canada is the place where I learned that it's ok to refer to people as "ret*rd", "f*ggot" and "stupid French-Canadian." It was only in the "less enlightened" United States that I really had to reconsider my usage of these words.

Blu-ray or HD-DVD

Obviously with the two new formats on the market there will be a big dilemma between us early adopters (as myself) or impulsive buyers (as Mike) or risk averters (as Dan) to decide which format we should buy into. I offer an interesting piece of insight that I came across while looking up the price of Blu-ray burners.

Before I discuss the insight, I must mention that there are currently no HD-DVD burners right now, so that pretty much settles my issue of concern. Otherwise, the two formats offer more or less the same features and in favor of HD-DVD is that the players seem to be much less expensive now (up to half the price of Blu-ray players.)

It was pointed out however, that the pornography industry often dictates technology changes. To put it very simply, there is so much porn out there compared to regular movies (this will be a topic of later discussion - US porn video rentals are about 13 billion dollars yearly vs. about 9 billion for mainstream video) that they have quite an impact on which technology gets the most usage. Noteworthy also is that pornography is for the most part exclusively on home video in some format (unless you want to get caught rubbing one out at the Lusty Lady or something - as I am sure Chaz Lutz has - the Lusty Lady will also be a topic of future discussion.)

Pornography was largely responsible for the winning of VHS over Betamax in the early 80s. (Let's put it this way, I only knew one person (an unmentioned friend's dad) who had Betamax porn and it was a compilation of nasty sh1t that was probably copied from someone elses VHS tapes.) If you are interested in what was on this tape, let's just say that it was the closest thing that the early 1980s had to Bukkake - using several clips from different films. Pornography was also responsible for several of the most important internet technologies we take for granted (ie. online payment systems, streaming video, video rental delivery - such as Netflix - my old roommate had a pornflix time thing way before anyone had ever heard of Netflix.) Filesharing, insane bandwidth, etc. all was heavily influenced by porn.

So what's the point? Apparently, the porn industry has embraced HD-DVD. At one of the big porn industry conferences in Vegas earlier this month (AVN 2007), it appears that the overwealming concensus was that studios will be preferring HD-DVD because it is far cheaper and easier to produce these discs. (Straight from Bangbros mouth apparently is HD-DVD.) For all you sickos out there (Stabbone specifically), that might be enough to sway the decision right there. For me, I prefer Blu-ray because there are burners available (now at increasingly more reasonable prices.) If I need to, I will just burn the sh1t myself. Who buys/rents it anyways? And maybe I will just stick to low def smut. Who needs to see some nasty hairy ass at 1080p?

Business Card Fishbowl Scam

You know those fishbowls they have at restaurants? Throw your business card in and win a free lunch?



I used to throw my card in, and I think I won a platter of sandwiches for my office five years ago, but I basically almost never do it anymore. Though apparently I did it a few months ago at a sushi restaurant in LA. So then I get this phone call:

Caller: "Hi, this is [name redacted] from blah blah blah financial. You put your business card in the fishbowl at Kabuki Sushi, and you've won a free lunch for yourself and 15 of your co-workers."

Me: "Sweet."

Caller: "Now let me tell you how the lunch works. First I give you a 5-10 minute spiel about blah blah blah financial and the services I offer, and then we order. I'll pay for all the food and the tip - no sake - and all you have to do is give me the contact information for all of your co-workers."

Me: "Let me ask you a question. Does everyone who puts their business card in the fishbowl 'win' a free lunch for 15 people?"

Caller: "Um. Yes."

So I passed. But what a scam - a smart one - I would never give some random salesman my contact info, but apparently I'd do it unwittingly if I thought I was getting a free lunch out of it.

A Recipe for a Boner and Intense Fatigue

Editors note: The following is for satirical purposes only. Not recommended. Don't do it. It's dangerous. Want to get your boss all F'd up? We attempted this in the office last week (which by the way was the most absurd thing I have ever done in an office - including any promiscuous activities.) The mission basically failed due to some overlooked technicalities, but I have refined the process and am posting what I should have done here. Obviously any practical jokes on my boss are out of the question for a while because there is no way he will fall for them, but I felt it to be prudent to record this process so I may use it at some future point in time:

Necessary ingredients:
2 x Sildenafil Tablets (this is a potentially dangerous medication FYI)
4 x Zolpidem tabs (preferably not controlled release zolpidem)
1 x 5 to 10 cc syringe (in some states available without a prescription at any pharmacy if you claim you are a heroin addict or the alike)
A small amount of a clear high proof alcohol (vodka, gin, rum, everclear, etc.)
** Sildenafil = generic name for a common boner enducing drug, Zolpidem = generic name for your run of the mill fast acting prescription sleep medication

Directions:
1) Remove the blue coating off of the sildenafils using a file. Crush into a fine powder and dissolve in about 4-5cc of alcohol.
2) Remove any coating off of the zolpidem (if there is one) using the same technique and dissolve in the same alcohol.
3) Both of these compounds should be fully dissolvable with enough mixing.
4) Aspirate into the syringe. At this point, there should basically be about 5 cc of clear fluid in the syringe. This is potent sh1t.
5) Covertly squirt into your bosses open soda or other beverage when he is not looking.

Result:
Within about 15 minutes.... The boss starts walking like a chicken. Then realizes something bad is happening. Within about 10 more minutes, sits down and passes out at his desk with a huge boner. Wakes up 8 hours later with no recollection of anything. In a potentially better scenario, he doesn't make it to his desk and wakes up on the floor with the cleaning staff vaccuming around him.

Addendum:
In a similar yet different scheme recently done successfully by a non medical friend of mine (also a writer for sfchicken) a colleagues beverage was laced with an toxic dose of fish oil. Evidently this scheme was a success and the victim had to take a day off of work to unleash his mad diarrhea. The purpetrator felt so guilty that he confessed to his boss. I am almost thinking that it may be beneficial to add a diarrhea producing drug to my concoction above.

What Liquids May I Bring on the Plane?

Can't bring your toothpaste. That might be a bomb. Ditto for bottled water, hair gel, the soda you are currently drinking, sunscreen, etc. It's too bad that you could not get a prescription for toothpase and water, because then you could bring it on the plane without hassle. And even better, it's not volatile, explosive, flammable, dangerous, etc.

You want to participate in an experiment in air safety? Go to your physician and tell him you have angina. He will give you a prn (unlimited supply) prescription for nitroglycerin (nitro-quick, nitro-dur, nitolingual, nitro-paste, etc.) Nitroglcerin can be taken either under the toungue, intravenously, applied on a patch to the skin, topically as a lotion, swallowed, sprayed in the mouth, etc.) And the best thing about it? Its nitroglycerin. AKA the same thing dynamite/plastic explosives are made of. It's so volatile that it must be dispensed in containers that do not allow light to penetrate. This stuff will basically blow up by putting it under a light. You don't want to put a lit match anywhere near that open red bottle up there.

It is however pretty damn good at getting rid of angina (chest pain). So what is the solution? I don't know, but lets cut the bullsh1t and let people bring toothpaste on the plane and make sure that no one brings a 14 gallon tub of nitropaste with a prescription label on it.

The Tall Gentleman with the Curly Hair

Admitedly, I will start by saying that this is not my idea, rather it is Roddy's (who does not have posting priveleges.) I do take credit for the rant however and I do think it is worth mentioning.

Has political correctness gone to far. Borderlining on obsurdity? Here is the typical conversation I am talking about:

Me: Hey I was talking to that guy at work today who works at the front door checking peoples' ID badges.

Roddy: Which Guy?

Me: You know, the gentleman with the dark curly hair? Its pretty short. Ummm, a little bit heavy set, dark skin, has a little bit of an accent. Kind of sounds like he might have a South Chicago dialect. Really nice fella.

Roddy: Oh you mean the black guy thats the security guard.

Me: Yeah. That guy. Didn't know how else to describe him, but I guess you summed it up pretty well. I wish I would have thought of that.

I was filing a police report this morning and the officer asked me if the gentleman in question was "Black, White or Hispanic." If the cop can say it can't we all? She didn't even consider that it might have been an Asian or an Indian dude. But thats a different issue. Maybe they don't commit as many crimes or something.

The Case of the Fishy Coat Check

Last December, we were on the hunt for a delicious, extravagant sushi dinner. It was the holiday season and we were in the mood to drink, dine and be merry. I consulted Open Table and, as expected, all halfway decent Japanese restaurants were booked solid, except for Ozumo, a trendy downtown San Francisco spot. Ozumo is known for being extremely overpriced but we decided to just get ripped off and have a great time doing it. Well, little did we know just how much they'd rip us off--that they'd literally take the coats off our backs.

After feasting on overpriced fish, top-shelf Sake and basically anything the cute waitress suggested, we paid the ridiculous bill and headed for the coat check. And that's where the story really begins. You see, our coats had vanished from the coat check closet. I took a look myself and all I could find was a disorganized mess of boxes and excess inventory competing for space with garments. We asked the proverbial questions: "Is it in another closet? Where is the original hostess who issued the ticket? What now?" I was wearing a fairly pricey Miu Miu long coat. My friend admitted to wearing a "piece of junk worth about $100." I insisted they take a report, which they did. We left Ozumo into a very cold night with no coats, no consolatory shot of sake and not even an offer to hail a cab on our behalf.

It's now approaching February and we are still getting the run around from Ozumo. I've filed a police report, been interrogated by Ozumo's "Insurance investigator," sent numerous emails and basically "project managed" getting them to reimburse me. Call me crazy, but if one of the most expensive restaurants in SF loses coats they inherently promised to protect, I'd think they'd bend over backwards to resolve the situation immediately.

But wait, it gets worse: They are now insinuating that we "altered" their hand-written coat checks in some elaborate plot to extort money from them. Ozumo's coat check is such a mess that they don't even use professionally printed tickets. Instead. they hand write numbers on pieces of flimsy paper.

Quote from Christopher An, Ozumo Manager:
First and foremost I would like to apologize for the delay in returning your message. I have spoken with my staff regarding Saturday night. They state that if in fact the coats were lost, it was neither intentional nor acknowledged. They assure, however, the coats were not stolen. I am inclined to believe they are truthful. I have spoken with Joe Fisher, Director of Operations, and he is fully aware of the situation. As of now, before we can proceed I will need the following: a copy of the police report you have filed as well as receipts for both coats. If you like I am more than willing to speak to Ms. Fisher and relay all necessary information as well. I realize you are in town for a few days and I would like to resolve this as expediently as possible.

Email from Alvin Wang, Ozumo GM
I have forwarded the information to the insurance company and am awaiting their response. I have spoken to the owner about this and he will not authorize me to write you a check for $1,300.00 I am sympathetic to your situation but I must deal with the facts. - I have a lost jacket that I have no receipt for. - I have a coat ticket that has been clearly altered. I know this is no comfort to you but that is the reality of the situation. As much as I would like to send you something I have been advised to let the insurance company handle this. I will call the insurance company tomorrow to inquire the status of your claim.

Thanks Ozumo, you're a class act!

A Touch of Velvet

For those of you men who are around my age, you were probably covertly reading whatever kind of smut you could get your hands on since the early 1980s. The specifics of what I was reading (not using) at that time are kind of vague. I did however come across the afformentioned magazine on one of those random iterative clicking journeys through Wikipedia that you are all surely familiar with.

What I remember about Velvet specifically was that it was considered far and by large the nastiest of the nastiest dirt available at the time. So nasty even, that the only copy I actually ever saw belonged to some sick twisted kid at summer camp who stole it from his father before he left for the summer.

It would be interesting today, in the year 2007 to see what exactly was printed in this magazine. I remember it was pretty obscene at the time, but based on the cover alone, I bet it pales in comparison to a PG rated movie today (also note that Richard Pryor was somehow involved with this particular issue.)

Flexible Spending Accounts for Healthcare. Not Very Flexible.

I recently came to the realization that my vision sucks and I need to go see the Optometrist. I decided that if my eyes were bad enough such that I needed to wear contacts or eyeglasses all the time, that I would just skip that whole process and get laser vision correction. I've heard great things about it, however, it does cost about $4000. One of my friends knew well in advance that he was going to have the procedure done and planned for it by allocating the necessary funds into his Flexible Spending Account for Healthcare (FSA). So, I decided to investigate FSA's.

For those who are unfamiliar with FSA's, it's a system whereby you can contribute up to $5000/year from your salary (pre-tax) to pay for health care expenses. So if I decided that I needed $5000 for health care expenses, my employer would deduct $417/month (pre-tax) from my salary for the entire year and deposit the sum into the FSA. The good thing about FSA's is that the entire sum of $5000 is available on the first of the year, even though I hadn't actually contributed anything to it yet (remember, my employer will deduct $417/month for the whole calendar year). Funds from the FSA can be used to pay for authorized health care expenditures. Sounds perfect, right? Well, not exactly, the reason I say it's not exactly "flexible" is that you must decide the amount you want to allocate in advance. At my company, we must decide in October for the upcoming calendar year.

So, using my example, if I wanted to use pre-tax dollars to pay for my laser vision correction, I would need to allocate the proper amount in October of this year, and get the surgery done no earlier than January 1, 2008. I would have to wait almost an entire year to get my medically necessary procedure. The concept of the spending account being "flexible" is lost on me.

Here is the real kicker about FSA's, if you do not use the money you allocated for authorized health care expenses by March 15 of the following year, you lose what you did not use. Where does the money go? My initial thought was that the IRS would take the money, after all, you set up an FSA to avoid paying excess taxes. However, it's your employer that gets to keep the money which you do not use! I think this is very wrong! A miscalculation about how much I anticipate to spend in health care now benefits my employer?

I think it's great that there is a system to pay for health care expenses pre-tax, but this system is awful. You need to be a psychic to take full advantage of the program, and if you're not, cha-ching! for either your employer (contributed too much), or the IRS (contributed too little).

News Alert

SFChicken readers: A secret board of three outsiders has been put together. Any article that gets posted that gets a thumbs down from all three board members gets flagged ASAP, labeled as "sucks" and will get a new time stamp with the year 2000. This way, you can still see the article, it will just be moved way down and labels removed. This is meant to keep the quality top notch. It will be like the Gong Show all over again. I hope this makes your reading experience more enjoyable, just another innovation we have implemented here at SFChicken to show we care. We encourage our readers to leave comments and tell us if you think anything sucks enough to move into the sucks category.

Democracy Must Rule

I hereby motion to change the name of this blog from SFChicken to SFMustache. I don't like chicken and all of the arteries, veins, tendons, skin and fat that you must knaw through to get a measly nasty piece of soggy meat. When you eat a steak for example, you are eating a muscle. When you eat a chicken you are literally eating a piece of chicken (like a leg, wing, etc.) Would you want to knaw through the leg of a nasty cow, having to scavenge your way through the fur, skin, fat, fascia, arteries, veins, nerves just to get the same kind of meat that butcher can cut for you eliminating all of the drama? I'd rather eat a horse (if it was butchered properly) than a chicken. And back to the point, this site has much more to do with mustaches anyways.

Imipramine-induced erection, masturbation, and ejaculation in male horses

While perusing the medical literature on the internet for an unrelated presentation, I came across the following research abstract. I have abridged it for the sake of space:

Imipramine hydrochloride was administered to five male horses: one experienced young stallion, two mature normal breeding stallions, one 5-year-old stallion with erection and ejaculatory dysfunction, and one long-term castrated male horse...... Erection typically occurred within 10 minutes after injection, and the erection and masturbation continued intermittently for 1 to 2 hours. These erections proceeded as during sexual excitement to a normal firmness and eventual engorgement of the glans penis. Two stallions ejaculated while masturbating. Mild ataxia and drowsiness appeared at the higher doses, but the animals remained responsive to auditory, visual, and tactile stimuli. Erection and masturbation were often interrupted by activities about the barn or the approach of the handler, suggesting cortical inhibitory control of the erection.

Three things strike me as comical about this. First and most obviously, if you have ever seen a horse get an erection, I have said enough. Second, how does a horse masterbate? I can't figure that one out and it's not mentioned in the abstract. Third, and more subtle is the comment about the approach of the handler while in the barn. Basically what is happening to this horse is what is happening to you when you all the sudden think of your grandmother for some ungodly and unknown reason in the middle of doing the hibidy dibity. Who knew that horses were so discretionary in their masturbatory fantasies?

The Seat is for Sitting

Here in SF, it is law that toilet seat covers be supplied in public rest rooms. So, after I grab the Wall Street Journal and put it under my arm, on my way to the second office, I lay down the paper seat cover. For those of you non Californians, these things are very thin and flimsy in order to be flushable. 2 out of 3 times the paper seat cover gets glued to the seat, and the adhesive agent is clearly yellow. For those women readers, the men's bathroom has both urinals and toilets. The urinals are meant for urination, the other one is meant for the other thing, and from what I understand you have to sit down for the other thing.

Why the F do people go into the toilet to urinate. Moreover, why do those people have less stream control than the average person? Furthermore, it is more work to urinate in the toilet than a urinal; A urinal requires walking over and undoing the fly, then shaking off and you are done. The toilet requires more steps than that, and ruins it for everyone else who needs to do number two.

Here is the deal people, no one in the men's bathroom cares about the size of your unit, and there are privacy dividers as well, so please just pull it out and use the urinal next time. And if you do insist on using the wrong one, please put the seat up.

Phone Etiquette

I just received a phone call from the 617 and the conversation went like this:

Woman: Who is this?
Me: Matt
Woman: Matt who?

I hung up on her.

Turns out that when I called my brother this morning, in the same area code, I mis-dialed. I realized this when I heard voice mail, and hung up. This woman was returning my call three hours later based on the Caller ID.

This has to be the single biggest downside of Caller ID. Back in the 80s if you called someone by accident, or called someone you knew and didn't want your call returned, you hung up. The way you got someone to call you back was by leaving a message on their answering machine.

Things have gotten out of control as people think that just cause you show up on their Caller ID, they are entitled to call you back, even if they don't recognize the number. What is wrong with these people anyway? Are they so desperate to get a phone call that they will return anything? People: if I want you to call me back, I will leave a message. Do not return Caller ID. Why should I have this conversation on the phone, I don't have this conversation at the bar:

Woman: You were looking at me back there, what did you want to talk about?
Me: I was actually looking for the bathroom, and you happened to be in my line of sight.

Equally obnoxious are people you know who expect a returned call when they don't leave a message.

Them: Why didn't you call me back.
Me: You didn't leave a message.
Them: Yeah, but you saw I called.
Me: You didn't leave a message.

I do not return Caller ID. I return messages. This technology does not alter the rules of the game.

Tee Time

Some mild entertainment for you all. Basically, after a poker game one night on a golf trip, it seemed like a good idea to smash the winner's stack of chips with a golf club. We rolled dice, high roll got to smash them, low roll had to clean them up. Low roll was Louie, and you may hear him taunted afterwards. The high roller ended up breaking the club in the process. Watch as he realizes this and looks back at the club owner, feeling a little guilty. Music by the Venga Boys.

Minister of Moustaches

From a concerned reader:

Guys, before you all decide on the best mustache, you must first consider another candidate, which is our (Israel’s) ministry of defense.

I must agree that this is worthy of consideration and possibly the winner by TKO.

I have heard rumours that an Iraqi physician I work with has an Iraqi army photo from the 70s with the official best moustache ever. Knowing some of the other Iraqi physicians in the city, I do not doubt it one bit. As soon as I am able to get my hands on that I will post it.

The Greatest Threat to American Freedom

The other day it dawned on me that every time there is a tax increase, we are losing freedom. The freedom to spend out hard earned money as we would like. These restrictions on freedom could be as trivial as not being able to afford to vacation or entertain as much as we would like, or maybe as serious as parents not being able to send their kids to the school of their choice (There are clearly worse scenarios but I don't want to get into that). The bottom line, the biggest threat to American Freedom, isn't the NSA phone tapping suspected terrorists, it's Congress deciding that they want more of your money to spend as they please.

The Truth About Casino Comps

I'd suffice to say that I've done a fair share of gambling in my life. My gambling career started at age 18 playing the the most ghetto Indian Casino ever. Being a gambler, I know a lot about the comps systems of the Casino Industry. Basically, to get a free room at any decent hotel in Vegas, you need to have an average bet of at least $150 (or more depending on the game) for four or more hours per day. This is based upon the theoretical house advantage of the game you are playing. They plan on giving you back roughly 30% of your anticipated losses in freebies. The problem is that if you get an extreme run of bad luck (which happens frequently) and you blow out tons of cash, in an hour, you earn very little comps. I've received more comps on a weekend where I won money, than when I lost tons of money. Essentially, if you're winning, you are able to play longer, and thus earn comps. If you are getting man handled by the casino, they add to the ass kicking by making you pay for that "all you can eat" in room porno package you bought to take your mind off your losses.

Paris Hilton: Moron with Herpes

A 6000 square foot storage locker containing the sex tapes, diaries, financial and medical records of Paris Hilton was sold at auction for a little over $2000. The mentally stunted Heiress failed to pay the whopping storage fees of $208, so the contents were sold at auction, digitized and posted on a website charging $39/month. Now, I never thought Paris was a genius, but I did give her credit for having some intelligence, after all, she's making money for doing absolutely nothing but being a mediocre looking party slut. Now I know she's a complete idiot. First, what kind of idiot forgets to pay their rent on a storage locker full of personal items, and lets it go to auction. I'm sure they sent her plenty of warnings. And why weren't the fees on autopay? Second, who makes more sex tapes after already having sex tapes leaked to the public? BTW, I have seen the site where all this is posted, and it's awful, the user interface is terrible, it's really slow, and very unorganized. Most of the stuff on there is really boring. I'll save you the trouble of looking yourself. Highlights so far (they add content to keep you coming back each month) are: Paris getting stoned and talking to her lap dog, some guy getting to second base with Paris before shutting off the camera, Paris pretending to smoke a tampon, prescriptions with Paris' name on it for Valtrex (herpes meds) and medical records showing that her alias had a miscarriage in 2003. Supposedly, there is a taped phone conversation between Paris and the Governator, can't wait to find out what is on that tape.

I've got to give it up to the guy who bought this stuff at auction for $2k, Congrats on cashing in on Paris' stupidity!

iPhone: Apple's Next iPod, or Next Newton?

As everyone who's intelligent enough to be reading sfchicken.com knows, Steve Jobs introduced Apple's much anticipated new product, the iPhone. The Street reacted to the announcement, Apple's stock soared at the expense of both Research in Motion and Palm Inc. The night before Macworld felt like Christmas Eve for a small child for me as I've been waiting for an Apple phone for a long time. When Macworld finally got underway, I sat reading constant updates on MacRumors to be some of the first to find out about the new device. I have to say, the user interface exceeded all of my expectations. Being the impulse buyer I am, I would have bought it that minute if I had the chance. Now that I've had some time to cool off, I'm starting to think I'm not going to buy the product I've been waiting years for. Why not? I can answer that question in one word, Cingular. Apple signed an exclusive deal with Cingular, so if I want the iPhone, I have no choice but to deal with a substandard wireless company. Cingular claims to have the fewest dropped calls, maybe that would be true if the only other carrier was T-Mobile. However, I have enough friends with Cingular to know, upon the purchase of the iPhone, I will no longer have reliable voice communication. Honestly, that's not a deal breaker 'cause this device will be an awesome Internet communicator. I will make the sacrifice of voice for data. Well, there's the other snag. The data network that the iPhone operates on (EDGE) is just barely faster than dial up. So all of Steve Job's talk about rich text email, fully functional browser, etc... is all well and good if you're at a wireless hot spot and can connect via WfFi, but if not, you may as well be back in 1997 surfing the net via AOL. I don't know about you, but I generally only have an available WiFi connection in two places, my office and at home where I would much rather use a full computer for my email/Internet surfing. So now what is the iPhone? It's a phone you can't talk on, and breakthrough Internet communicator with terrible data service. So what's left? I guess it's nice to text on, but that remains to be seen. I'm still a little skeptical of the touch screen keyboard. In summary, if a serious Mac Addict like me is leaning towards not buying it, who is going to pony up the $600 and possibly the additional $175 penalty to their current mobile carrier to break their contract. I guess only time will tell.

Pick a Number (with Canadian spelling)

My name is Matt, and I am colour blind. As are one in ten males, and one in one hundred females. I found this out, and that it meant that I could not be a pilot, when I was very young. Thankfully, at that time I still had aspirations of being He-Man when I grew up. No harm, no foul. No scarring.

I’m sure many of you have been tested and are familiar with the test. It is basically a series of coloured dots, that when all presented together, show a number using the subtle nuances among the colours. Unfortunately, if you are colour blind, you don’t see a number in most of these. Even worse, in some, you see a different number. Is this really necessary? I mean isn’t it bad enough to ask a kid what number they see and have to make them admit that they don’t see one? That is tough enough. Even worse is asking a kid what number they see, and they get all pumped cause they got one “70!”, only to be met with “Wrong dumbass, its 29”. When I look at the below picture, I see 70.

In this day and age of political correctness, we could use friendlier terms as well. I mean Colour Blind is a little harsh. They tried using Colour Deficient with me, but that sounds just as bad - just patronizing. I say we call it "Cone-ally Challenged", and make it a little easier for kids to hear. And lets not pull the bait and switch number trick on them anymore either.

Just a quick thought for the day...

Discontinued Underwear

Last year I while I was living in Phoenix, I came across a great find at Target. They had these long sleeve undershirts available in a variety of colors for under 10 dollars. As you may or may not know, it is difficult to find long sleeve undershirts and even more difficult to find any type of undershirts in any color other that white. Even better, these were brand name (Hanes.) I bought 3 of them and I liked them so much that I later returned to Target only to find they were sold out. In fact the next several times I went to Target (often different locations) I asked about these and no one knew what I was talking about. I have even tried to find them on the internet and on Hanes' website to no avail. I have found similar items, but nothing exactly the same.

This sounds crazy and you must all think I am nuts. But I was thinking today about the following. What would I do if I knew that my favorite underwear was going to be discontinued? Over the years I have developed a liking to a specific brand and model. The Hanes Classics Tagless Knit Boxers. Note that these boxers have several desirable features in them. They are knit (soft cotton), tagless (no itchiness) and they are classic (will never go out of style, just like a black suit.)

If these were to become discontinued I would forever regret not buying more of them, just as I regret not buying those long sleeve undershirts. Would I stockpile in anticipation of them becoming rare or obsolete like some did in the 1980s to old Canadian one dollar bills? How many would I buy? I honestly think I would order a box of 100 or so pairs, in different varieties and colors. These would probably end up being heavily discounted based on the fact that they were about to become a discontinued product and that I would be buying them in bulk.

Just a quick thought for the day...

Is Lip Balm Gay?

One of the quirks about being a foreigner in the United States (I am Canadian) is the things that people ask you to bring back for them when I return from my vacation. I get all kinds of requests ranging from MacKintosh's toffee to medications, etc. This last time I had the strangest request of them all.

I was most recently in Canada for a neck surgery that essentially left me home/couch bound for about three weeks. Just before I left, a friend of mine named Mark had asked me if I could bring him back a bunch of Labello lip balms (a bunch being ten.) I have never heard of the stuff before, but he assured me that it was "the bomb" and that it was not available in the United States.

This left me in a predicament. I had no way of personally getting him the stuff because I was home bound and I was leaving for Chicago the next morning. So without any other options, I had to ask my father to go pick up a bunch of Labello lip balm for my friend Mark. Obviously at this point, I realized that I just should have told him her name was Susan and that would have been the end of it. Instead, it turned into a defensive discussion about how I was not gay and that I had no idea why a man would want this stuff. He asked me if Mark's lips were not soft and I had no good answer.

So when I got back home, I insisted on a pretty damn good explanation about why he needed this shit because now my father thinks I am gay. As it turns out, he explained to me, if you ever pick off a nasty dry part of your lip and you remove too much of it (to the point where it bleeds), you will forever need this stuff because your lip will be dry in that part forever. Fair enough I guess. But I still think Mark might be gay (and lip balm probably is.)

Mike The Headless Chicken

I must say that after reading your piece below on squash I was more interested in the video and began to wonder why is it chickens run around after having their heads cut off? So I set off and searched the world wide web (or rather google) and below is what I found out:

Chickens seldom run after their heads are cut off. When they do, it is because the head was cut too close, and part of the brain stem or upper spinal cord, containing the relevant circuits, are still there. The reason chickens run around with their heads cut off is because of a panic reaction. The last message the brain sends to the nerves is to escape and flee and panic all rolled into one. So the nerves follow the last message the brain sent them before being cut off. Then the decapitated chicken runs madly around until its heart stops.

Pretty amazing how the chickens body follows that last command and the nerves remain active, causing the muscles to work by doing what they were last told.

Even more amazing is this true story about a headless chicken named Mike that lived for 18 months after being decapitated! Mike's original purpose what to be dinner for the chicken owner's mother in law!

Mike The Headless Chicken

Imperial, Walrus Variety

Roddie pointed out, that Rollie Fingers has to be mentioned for best stache, which happens to be of the Spaghetti style:If we are going to enter the sports domain, then you can't ignore Lanny MacDonald, who sports a Walrus Stache:

Rocket Science

Is it me, or is space exploration just not as sexy these days as it was in the 80's when I was growing up? Maybe it’s the fact that we haven’t gone back to the moon lately (apparently once you’ve seen one chunk of moon rock, you’ve seen them all), or maybe the novelty has just worn off. Either way, the outer limits used to be cool, but these days the public has a better chance of seeing Band Camp II than Space Camp II.

This leads me to one of the forgotten gems of the eighties, and that was space food. Not talkin’ Tang here, I am talking about the little silver envelope of powder that you could buy at your local Space and Science Center with a full turkey dinner in it just by adding water. These were a mere novelty for many a kid, but let’s not deny the practicality of these things. I mean, people (rightly) rip on bachelors for not cooking anything but KD, and all these guys have to do is load up on space food and they are set. Get all your required nutrients by just adding water – it could not be easier.

Don’t believe me? Check out this Blog’s namesake, the SFChicken meal (sponsorship deal in the works) – complete with nutritional value listed (no saturated fat). And as the site claims, these are still used. If it’s good enough for NASA Astronauts, it should be good enough for the single man.

The Real customer service

Well put on the customer service rant. We all agree that the epidemic has spiraled out of control into dangerous territory. But lets be clear that the Customer service lady does not look like the one that Dan suggests in his article. Oh and one more thing. We sent a man to the moon literally 40 years ago, not 50 (this is from a guy who does not have a Masters Degree in Math.)

Customer "Service"

Here is the deal. We are in the year 2007, literally we sent a man to the moon 50 years ago, have supercomputers that have mapped the entire human genome, and can calculate Pi to a gazillion decimal places in about 1 minute. Why is it then when I call customer support and want to talk to a person, the machine makes you input your account number via touch-dial, but then when you finally talk to someone it is gone. You have to give it to the person so they can type it into their computer. Apparently, the computer that the customer service rep types into doesn't talk to the computer that you typed the number into using the phone key pad.

So, obviously I am getting frustrated by the time I am talking to "Joe Smith" with an Indian accent, and have to ask him all about why I would possibly have to tell him the number again, after typing it into the system. Then Joe thinks I am a dick for harassing him because he is just doing his job, and he is right. Here is the other thing, don't ask me my name and then mispronounce it 100,000 times during the call. Either don't ask me how to say it, and then mispronounce it, or ask me how to pronounce it and then get it right, or don't feel the need to say my name more than once. Because, basically ending every subsequent sentence with my mispronounced name really is over the top. But I digress.

Where does the first number I type into go? Does it get lost in the ether? Oh, and BTW, don't bother not trying to put it in, or give it a phony one, because I already tried that and it doesn't work. Does the first number I enter send it to some marketers database? Which leads me to my second problem...

We all know that if you have a problem with a company, and you are talking on the phone with them, then you need to get a name and extension for it to get resolved, so they don't just yes you to death and hang up and laugh. But now companies are starting not to tell you anything but first names and regions. Here is the deal, don't tell me you are "Joe from the California office". I have a hunch that calling back customer service when the problem never gets fixed and asking for Joe from California won't be fruitful.

Basically, it is getting to the point where I would rather have a root canal than go through the call customer service dance again.